Passing Insanity
by Itdoesringabell
Summary: If it isn't the most fucked up love triangle ever, Dan would gladly sell his soul to find out what is. /Dair on a basis of Duck/


_Don't know how this happened. I was writing Square One, but Blair is so damn difficult to write that I decided to take a short pause. Then I got inspired by a few Supernatural episode and annoying chair fan on Tumblr, and I wrote this._

_Hope you enjoy it!_

* * *

Dan fell asleep, eventually.

In his slumber, he dreams of shapes and bright colors; he hears stuff that sounds like screams, or sirens and others that feel like whispers. He is in this position, uncanny, where one knows that they are dreaming, but cannot do anything to shake it off.

He is Alice, and this is nightmareland.

Never in his life has Dan felt more grateful for being shaken up. He opens his eyes slowly. Rufus is leaning above him, whispering stuff that Dan doesn't really hear, his audition still trapped in the parallel dimension in his head.

He takes in Serena's face burried in Nate's chest, the tears in Nate's eyes, Lily is nowhere to be seen and surprisingly enough, Chuck is standing in the waiting room too, staring at him. His clothes are disheveled, there's blood on his neck, but he is standing.

And yet, people are crying. And Blair is still somewhere behind the double doors inscribed "STAFF ONLY"

Rufus sits next to him, his hand still pressing Dan's shoulder.

"It just happened" he tells Dan. "The doctors said they couldn't do anything"

Everything feels numb, for a quick instant. Like an electric shock, the phrase fizzles through Dan's mind. It just happened. An instant ago, he was sleeping, dreaming; the next, he is fully awake in the worst continuation of the nightmare ever.

He wonders if people are ever going to actually say it, if he will ever hear it. Probably on the news.

He can already hear the flat rhythmic, journalistic voice come out of the radio "_Blair Waldorf, Manhattan royalty and future princess of Monaco died in a tragic car accident, trying to run away with her ex-boyfriend in a fugue orchestrated by this fucking idiot Dan Humphrey, you know from Brooklyn_"

Rufus next to him sighs "Lily went to call Jack to deliver the news" he shakes his head "Poor Blair. Who's going to tell her when she wakes up?"

Dan blinks. He turns to Rufus, confusion taking over his tired brain.

"Dad" he clears his throat "Who…who exactly…"

He waits for Rufus to get it.

"Oh" Rufus has a nervous laugh "Sorry, I should have made it clearer, I guess. Chuck didn't make it. The internal wounds were too extended"

Dan looks at his father's sorry face for a few seconds. Then he looks back straight in front of him.

Chuck is still there, staring at him. Dan glances around. No one seems to see him.

"Oh"

Dan goes home that morning with his lips pressed shut.

He sits next to Eric at the funeral, and right behind Blair. She has this little black headdress on her head, Jackie Kennedy style, a tiny piece of black veil covering her eyes, and her back is straight up.

Serena and Nate say a few words during the service; Blair doesn't move a single hair.

The procession to the tomb is everything Dan hates about funeral, the grieving crowd moving into one, slow, black blub behind the coffin.

Of course, the fact that Chuck is walking next to him doesn't really make anything better. Dan ignores him, like he's been doing for the past two days. He watches Eric, Lily, Jack and Nate throw dirt on Chuck's coffin. In front of him, Blair is standing, her lips slightly pursed. She huffs, looking down at the wooden box, and he can swear seeing her mouth something like "idiot"

It's just a few days later, and Dan is standing in his kitchen when he notices something different. He turns to Chuck, who is leaning casually against the bar and looks him from head to toes.

"You changed outfit?" Dan asks.

It's the first time he's ever talked to him, ever since he died.

Chuck glances down to his fresh, impeccable suit "Of course I did. You didn't think I was going to stay in those disgusting rags forever, did you?"

Dan raises an eyebrow "It's not like anybody else can see you"

"I don't do things for others, I do things for me"

"Don't I know it"

Dan goes back to making pancakes, with the firm intention of keeping ignoring him. When he reaches to grab cinnamon, he sees Chuck moved from the kitchen bar to the counter.

"Jesus!" Dan jumps, his heart pumping. "What the fuck do you think you're doing? Why are you here?"

"I don't know" Chuck answers, his jaw clenched.

"Well, then. Just try to go. If you can't, try to be invisible or some other ghost shit"

"Do you think that's what I am? A ghost?"

It's a genuine question. Dan puts down the frying pan, crossing his arms.

"I don't know" he shrugs "Do you have another explanation?"

Chuck stuffs his hands in his pockets, in this I'm Chuck Bass kind of way.

"Sincerely, I was hoping you were just crazy"

X

Once when Dan was thirteen, and bored to death visiting his Nana in Florida, he looked through the supernatural section of the Public Library of Tampa. He read in one of the books about how people who come back as ghosts have an opposed personality compared to what they used to be as humans.

Dan thinks about writing to the author of this book to tell him his theory is complete bullshit, because Chuck Bass remains the most annoying motherfucker he's ever known, even post-mortem.

He is always there. When Dan cooks, Chuck is sitting at the bar; when Dan works, Chuck is trying to remember a song; when Dan fails to jog, Chuck is there every three miles laughing at him.

"You're driving me insane!" Dan yells one night, while he's at his desk and Chuck has decided he really likes the Rolling Stones.

Chuck smirks "Always a pleasure"

X

"Humphrey, wake up" Chuck whispers.

"Just get the fuck off my bed" Dan groans, turning in his bed, putting a pillow on his face.

"I'm not even on it" Blair's voice activates all of Dan's numb senses.

His body shoots right up, and his breathing is heavy.

"Blair" he says, because he can't think of anything else.

Blair puts her purse on his desk, gets rid of her coat before carefully putting it on a chair, then crawls on Dan's bed. She settles her head on one of his pillows, looking straight at him.

"What are you doing here?" Dan asks "It's not even dawn"

"Why haven't you called?"

Dan cannot withstand the hurt in her voice. He lifts his hand to put a strand of hair behind her ear. He also tries not to react when he feels Chuck doing the same thing to him in obvious mockery.

"I just figured you _needed space_"

Dan feels a bit guilty to use his comforting words to Blair as a subliminal message to her ghost ex-boyfriend.

"I have plenty of space, and I don't want it" Blair says "I feel empty"

Dan lays down next to her "It'll pass. I know losing Chuck was hard on you, but you won't feel this way forever"

"It's not about Chuck" Blair groans "For once"

Dan frowns. He gets briefly distracted by Chuck standing next to the bed, his arms crossed.

"You are so clueless, Humphrey" he says

"I feel empty" Blair repeats.

She takes Dan's hand and puts it on her stomach. Dan is surprised to find it still slightly bumped, even though…

_Ha, empty_, his dumb brain says.

X

After two months of Chuck waking Dan up once a week by whispering "booh" in his ear, Dan sees that he has two only choices.

The first one is to marry Blair. Because when Blair stays the night over, Chuck completely forgets about him. He just sits on the floor and watches Blair sleep, all night, not giving a shit about making Dan's life hell. Dan himself alternates between watching Blair sleep, just like Chuck; and watching Chuck watching Blair sleep.

If it isn't the most fucked up love triangle ever, Dan would gladly sell his soul to find out what is.

The second option, much more accessible, is to start seeing a shrink. Because Dan cannot keep fooling himself any longer; ghosts don't exist, and he clearly has a problem.

However, having Chuck following him around does have a bit of perks. He always has someone to talk to –even when he doesn't want to; there is always someone around to read his latest short story and give an honest opinion; he dresses better.

But then it gets annoying again.

Chuck has this habit, of telling him "Atta boy" each time Dan follows one of his advice; and when Dan doesn't, something in his kitchen mysteriously breaks.

Lily hooks him up with someone who will know how to stay 'discreet', in her words. Dan finds out later that it's the same shrink Eric goes to, and wonders if Lily thinks him to be in the closet. Then he realizes that he is, in some way; trapped with a monster, the worst kind there is.

Ultimately, he stops thinking about himself being trapped in a closet with Chuck Bass, because well, the situation is already difficult enough.

Dan remains silent the whole time, at the first session. Chuck is sitting, legs crossed on the other end of the couch, and he doesn't say anything either. Then at the following sessions, Dan finds a whole lot of other stuff to talk about than the fact that he is seeing his deceased adoptive step-brother.

X

"I like your nose, you know"

It's already spring, Dan doesn't really know how, and Blair is in his arms, on the couch, holding her fourth glass of wine.

She is smiling, it's a drunken smile, but Dan hadn't seen it for so long. Her index goes to tap the tip of his nose.

"Thank you" he laughs

Chuck is standing not far from them, looking out the window.

"I also really like your lips" Blair's finger trails from his nose, to his upper lip.

Mechanically, Dan kisses it and it makes her giggle.

"I like your jaw" she whispers, touching it and meeting her fingers with her own lips.

Dan's eyes go on Chuck. He doesn't move; he is still looking out the window. When Blair starts pressing butterfly kisses in his neck, Dan pushes her gently away.

"You're drunk"

"I want you"

"Because you're drunk"

Blair rolls her eyes and puts down her glass. She stretches.

"You might be right" she uses her joint hands as a pillow, closing her eyes "We'll talk about it tomorrow"

She is snoring within minutes. Dan lays a blanket over her, before grabbing one pack of cigarettes he keeps in his desk drawer, just in case.

He goes on the roof, watches Brooklyn sleep through the smoke he blows.

"You got one?"

Dan frowns, turning around.

"Do ghosts smoke?"

"Apparently, the ones you invent do"

Dan holds out a cigarette, and watches in awe Chuck lighting it, and inhale.

"I have to admit, I missed that" Chuck smiles.

Like, really smiles. Dan shakes his head, incredulous.

"Dude, what is your deal?" he asks Chuck "Why me? Why not…I don't know, Louis?"

"Don't you have a heart, Humphrey? The man lost his baby, I'm not going to haunt someone in mourning"

"I too, am in mourning. My stepbrother died, remember?"

"Clever"

They smoke silently, Dan eying him suspiciously and Chuck looking at the horizon.

"I had never realized how much you loved her" Chuck says

"Join the club" Dan replies bitterly.

He finishes his cigarette, lights another one right after. Chuck is still in the middle of his.

"I wanna be with her" Dan says "I want to so bad. But she got dumped by a prince, had a miscarriage and lost the love of her life. I will never be sure that I'm the right one for her"

Chuck shrugs, and it gives Dan fuel to continue.

"I guess it all comes down to whether she wants me or not, you know"

"I think you got your answer back there"

"She was drunk" Dan shakes his head "She always does that, pull me in when she's not in her right state, then dismiss me once you show up"

"I won't show up this time, Humphrey"

"Yes you will! You're there aren't you? One way or another, whether it's by coming back into Blair's life or being my personal…Casper, you will always find a way to cock-block me"

Chuck grimaces at the expression.

"You're doing it to yourself, Humphrey" he says "I am in your head, remember?"

"I want you to go away, so I can be with her. If you were in my head, you would"

"Have you never watched a horror movie?" Chuck throws away the dying cigarette "It doesn't work like that"

"What am I supposed to do, then? Call an exorcist?"

Dan laughs a bit at himself. He is fighting on his roof at one in the morning with someone that doesn't exist.

"You need to lift the guilt" Chuck leans against balcony wall "What are you feeling?"

"I love her" Dan says, angrier than ever and he doesn't even know why.

"This leads you to feel something else, what is it?"

Dan kills the cigarette, feeling a bit sick. He sits on the floor, trying not to hyperventilate. There would be no one to take care of him, just a fucking ghost in a purple suit. He rests his head in his hands.

"I regret telling Blair that _you _would be her happy ending when I could have been a much better one. I brought her to you, and it was a fucking mistake because right now, she'd be a princess mom, and you'd be a living bastard"

"Atta boy" he hears Chuck say.

"Could you not?"

"Now, I can tell you that it wasn't your fault. It was fate"

Dan snorts "Sure, it was"

He looks back up to scream something that he forgets when he doesn't see Chuck. Dan immediately stands up, turns around on the spot like a dog running after its tail. He is alone on the roof.

"It's over"

He feels really dumb telling to himself, but the fact is, it is really over. Suddenly, he feels how cold it is out, and how tired he is. He goes to bed after having moved Blair from the couch to it, and never tries to figure out if it was a dream or not. He does try to ignore that his pack misses three cigarettes.

X

Even if Chuck is not there anymore, he stays on Dan's mind. Whenever Dan sees something purple, whenever he agrees to let Blair shop for him, whenever he drinks scotch; he thinks of Chuck.

Dan even thinks of Chuck after he has sex with Blair for the first time. He lays on his back, balancing between killing himself and hoping she doesn't think of Chuck too. Dan doesn't think of Chuck after to other times they make love.

By the end of summer, Blair has half moved in into the loft, bringing stuff in, never taking them back; Dan wouldn't be surprised if she leaves Dorota standing in his kitchen soon. He doesn't complain, he likes it.

It takes Blair more time that he would have imagined to cope, but she is on the way. She decides that she wants to try new things, like cooking exotic cuisine, or have walks around Brooklyn –that only happened once, until she got _attacked_ by a stray cat. Dan himself, finds his own way. He adopts Monkey, because Nate didn't know how to take properly care of him, and didn't really want to.

So Dan spends most of his summer afternoon playing with Monkey, throwing a tennis ball again and again, until Blair calls him out the window –like a true Brooklynite, but he doesn't tell her –to kill a spider, or taste something she just cooked.

That afternoon, it's Moroccan Mint Tea. Dan groans, throwing the ball a last time and watching Monkey run to it.

Of course Blair would choose the hottest day of the season to make tea, and not iced tea, like everyone else in the country.

"Humphrey!"

"I'm coming!" he yells, looking up.

He can see her giving him the angry eyes, even from the sixth floor. Monkey comes back to him. Dan crouches down and holds out his hand for Monkey to drop the ball in it.

"Atta boy" he says, patting him on the head.


End file.
